I’m at a point in my life where I’m having to have a whole lot of trust. I finish my Master’s degree classes tomorrow (!!) and graduate in 23 days. I have a job for most of the summer, but nothing lined up after that, which makes me nervous. So far, my freaking out has been minimal, with the exception of a gallbladder attack yesterday, but I’m still struggling to trust. Right now, I know what I don’t want to do with my life, but I’m not sure what I do want to do; I just know that God is calling me to stay in this area for the moment, so I’m looking for jobs here.
I’m also struggling to trust in my personal life as my friends are starting to get married and have babies. Several years ago, I went through discernment for religious life and it became clear that I’m supposed to get married and have children; that is my vocation, plain and simple. But right now, I’m not there yet, and it seems that, at least at this moment, God is calling me to remain single until the right man comes along. That can be really hard, especially when I know what my vocation is—having to wait to live it can be difficult, but I just have to trust that the waiting will be worth it in the end.
Blogger Steve Gershom writes in an Easter post that “When the Apostles learned of the Resurrection, they were overjoyed. They were also confused and scared and had no idea what was going on. Nor did they know about the blessings and the tremendous new works of God that were heading in their direction.” Steve puts my thoughts on this so eloquently and when I read that post, I immediately translated it to my own life because it helped me to make sense of the complicated emotion that I’m feeling at the moment: relief at almost being done (after 19 years!), sadness at that part of my life being done (at least for the moment), and fear/confusion about not knowing what’s ahead—that’s a fairly normal human reaction to change, but if I believe that God is God, and I do, then I have to believe that He’s got something in the works for me, even if I have no idea what it is. So, I’m trying now to follow the old saying of “Work as if everything depended on you; pray as if everything depended on God” (which it does). And slowly, maybe I’ll get better with the whole trust thing.